


Now I Know I Wanna Win the War

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, post-ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6363706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alternate ending to the scene between Vax and Keyleth in her room during episode 45, Those Who Walk Away. A rough version was posted to Tumblr, but this is a far more polished and complete version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now I Know I Wanna Win the War

_ Stop it _ , Keyleth told herself seconds after collapsing onto the bed in tears. _ You’re stronger than this. And if you aren’t you should be _ .

She didn’t feel strong, though. She felt weak and lost and so terribly _ small _ . She couldn’t do anything to save Vex, she couldn’t save Vax, and now she had said the exact wrong thing to him. If he had just let her finish…

_ You know what? Fuck this _ , she told her mind, wiping the tears away from her cheeks angrily with the back of her wrist. _ I’m not weak, and he doesn’t get to just walk away from this like he did _ .

Standing and moving toward the door with purposeful strides, Keyleth didn’t give herself time to think. She flung the door open, looking out and seeing Vax just at the end of the hallway, turning the corner. Without thinking, she left her doorway, stalking after him, turning the corner just in time to see him walking out the door into the courtyard. Stopping for a moment to allow herself to get angry again, knowing she needed that anger to keep her going over the nervousness and the fear, she watched as he sat on a bench and stared down at his hands. Taking a deep breath, she moved toward the door, her steps fast and angry as she approached the court yard.

“What the hell, Vax?” she all but shouted as she stepped outside.

“Kiki?” he asked, jumping up from the bench in surprise. “What are you-“

“No!” Keyleth cut him off, her voice getting even louder. “You don’t get to just walk away like that and then expect to be allowed to talk!”

Vax stared at her, stunned and still. After a long moment he snapped out of it, his eyes moving to her bare shoulders, her bare feet, and shifting from surprise to concern. Noting the path of his eyes, she realized she was standing outside, in the winter cold, in nothing but her thin nightgown. The cold hit her suddenly, making its way for the first time through her anger and making her shiver.

“What are you doing? It’s freezing out here,” Vax said, moving toward her, his hands going to her arms. She felt so immediately warmed and safe at his touch, but she only allowed his herself to linger for a moment before stepping back, wrapping her arms around her body for warmth and protection. He stared at her, looking lost at her refusal of his touch. He reached for his shoulders before realizing he wasn’t wearing his cloak, and he looked even more lost at his inability to offer her _ anything _ . Taking another step toward her, his hand, nearly imperceptibly, reached for her before falling back to his side.

Watching him, tears started to fill her eyes. Why couldn’t things ever just be easy? They were _ in love _ . Wasn’t it supposed to easier?

_ No, _ Keyleth told herself again. _ You’re supposed to be angry. You need to be angry. You bore your soul to him and he walked away. You’re MAD at him. _

Raising her chin in a way that she hoped called upon her regal heritage, she blinked the tears back and looked at Vax, trying not to notice the way his face grew even more pained as he recognized the shine in her eyes. “I was telling you something _ important _ and you walked away from me,” she said finally, unhappy with the way her voice shook.

His eyes left hers, moving to the ground as guilt joined the other emotions on his face. Heaving a heavy sigh, he sat back down on the bench, running a hand down his face. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice genuine. “But it’s been a pretty terrible day. I’m not sure how much more I can take, so I wasn’t really prepared to stand there and listen to… everything you were saying.”

“That’s not fair,” she responded. “I understand how horrible all of this has been for you, and I know how much you’re hurting, but I poured my heart out to you and you just walked away. I was trying to… I _ needed _ to share something with you, and you refused to listen. You didn’t even let me finish!”

He nodded, not looking at her, the lost look on his face morphing into something more familiar, that look she knew so well, the one he got when he was inside his head, hating himself. That look never failed to break her heart.

“I’m terrified,” Keyleth started, her voice quiet and unsure, picking up where she had stopped before Vax had left. “I can’t imagine…” She trailed off, taking a deep breath to try to pull herself together. She just felt _ so much _ , more than she ever had at any other point in her life, and she knew that she needed to tell him all of it. “I’m already so in love with you.” His head snapped up at her words, his eyes meeting her gaze, hopeful and questioning. “And I’ve already had to be faced with losing you far too many times. Yesterday, when you offered your life for Vex’s… my heart felt like it stopped. My whole world felt like it stopped. And I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like when it actually happens. And it will happen. Because of who I am, and my position… I’m going to outlive you. That’s just the way it is.”

Vax nodded, looking back toward the ground as some of the hope left his face.

“I’ve been struggling with that for a while now,” she admitted. “Ever since Anders’ study… maybe even before that. The more I fell in love with you, the more I thought about it. And the more frightened I became. I’m not like you. I can’t just run headlong into things without thinking of the consequences. Sometimes all I can think of are consequences. And I know that a lot of the time I end up dwelling on them, but this… this is huge, Vax. You realize that, right? I mean… we’re talking about the rest of our lives here. I can’t just… jump into something without thinking. And I can’t help it that the thinking has made me scared.”

He nodded again, his eyes still aimed at the ground, and Keyleth, unable to stand being so far away from him for any longer, sat on bench next to him. Needing to touch him, she wrapped her hand around his bicep and leaned her cheek against his shoulder, closing her eyes for a moment as she enjoyed the warmth coming from his body. “I’m trying really hard not to let my fear control me. Because as scared as I am of… so many things… the thing that scares me most is that I’m going to miss something amazing because I was too scared to have it.”

Vax tentatively leaned his chin against her forehead and brought his hand up to cover hers where it was still wrapped around his arm. “I can’t… I can’t imagine putting you through that. I can’t _ ask _ you to put yourself through that. Not when…” he took a ragged breath, and she pulled herself closer to him without thinking, feeling a familiar instinct to comfort him. “…not when I love you so much.”

“Vax,” she said, tilting her head up in an attempt to catch his eye. He kept his gaze away from her own, refusing the meet her eyes. Suddenly, she felt angry at him again. “That’s not your choice to make.” Her voice was quiet, as she didn’t want to draw any attention to their private conversation, but harsh in a way that gave away her anger.

“I just want to protect you,” he said, sounding defeated. “I can’t help it.”

Her temper calmed at his words. “I know the feeling,” she confessed. “But you still don’t get to decide what’s best for me.”

After a long moment she felt him nod, and let go of a long breath she had been holding on to.

“I love you,” Keyleth whispered. “That’s true. And it’s going to be true whether I let this happen or not. So… if… when… I lose you… it’s not like it’s somehow going to hurt less. I figured that out last night when I felt so close to having my whole world crash down around me when you offered your life for Vex’s.”

She was crying in earnest now, and she could tell by the way Vax was breathing that he was as well. His hand tightened around her own, and she turned her face into his arm, trying to compose herself. “It’s funny. Right before you knocked on my door I was sitting there, thinking about how, if I let my fear control me, if I let it get in the way of you and me… if I lost you, if you died, it wouldn’t hurt any less. I’d only be filled with regret that I never let myself love you.”

As she moved her face up to look at Vax, his lips captured hers in a desperate kiss. Her hand gripped his bicep tighter as she brought her other hand up to his face. Vax’s arms wrapped around her, one hand moving up her back to grasp at her hair. As she moved her hand from his arm to his chest, his hold on her tighteed, pulling her in closer, and she no longer felt the cold, or the worry, or the crushing fear she’d felt since she’d heard Vax utter the words “take me instead”.

Being held so close by Vax, his hands warming her body, his lips moving over hers, Keyleth felt the overwhelming need to say the words to him, right now. She pulled back, allowing him to chase her lips for one last, quick kiss before bringing the hand on his chest up to join the other, holding his face, her thumbs stroking his cheeks. His eyes swept over her face, lingering at her lips before meeting her eyes, and he smiled at her. Her chest ached at the way he was looking at her, with so much love, mixed with a bit of wonder that told her that her face mirrored his own.

She hadn’t realized how broken she’d felt until that moment, when she realized how Vax looking at her like that made her feel as though she was being put back together.

“I love you,” she told him, her voice firm and fierce despite the fact that she was whispering.

In that moment she felt strong. Stronger than she ever had in any battle they’d ever fought. Letting herself love Vax, and _ be loved _ by Vax was the scariest thing she had ever done, and the fact that she was doing it made her feel strong enough to face down a million dragons.

He exhaled a sort of disbelieving chuckle before saying, “I love you. Fuck, I love you.”

Keyleth found herself giggling at that, and pulled him in to another kiss.

Unlike the kiss prior, this one was a slow, exploratory meeting that took her breath away. Vax’s lips left hers to press kisses against her jaw, a sensation that made her shiver.

Vax pulled away from her quickly, one of his hands moving to one of her arms, running his warm palm over her skin, causing her to shiver again. “You must be freezing,” he said, pulling her closer with the arm wrapped around her as he continued to run his hand up and down her arm.

“I’m fine,” she said, unable to keep the smile off of her face.

“It’s the middle of winter and you’re barely wearing anything.”

“Hmm,” she hummed, letting him pull her closer at his hands tried to warm her arms. She rested her head on his shoulder, pressing her face into his neck as she enjoyed the feeling of his arms around her holding her to his body tightly. “I suppose we should get some rest, though,” Keyleth finally said, reluctantly.

“I suppose,” Vax echoed, only relinquishing his hold on her the slightest bit.

“It’s uh… it’s pretty cold in my room,” she started, feeling her cheeks grow warm as she tried not to meet his eyes. “You could, maybe… stay with me tonight? Keep me warm?”

She kept her attention at a spot on Vax’s neck, waiting for him to answer. After a long, silent moment that seemed to stretch on forever, she finally heard him respond, “I would like that.”

Finally meeting his gaze, she found him smiling at her, happy in a way she hadn’t seen him in a long time, perhaps ever. He leaned in, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before standing and reaching out a hand to her. Keyleth placed her hand in his, letting him pull her up, and they walked back to her room, hand in hand.

They were silent as they moved around preparing for bed, Keyleth blowing out the candles that had lit the room and Vax taking off his boots and pulling off his shirt. As soon as they climbed into bed they reached for each other, meeting in the middle as they wrapped themselves around one another, their lips seeking out any piece of bare skin they could reach, pressing kisses to foreheads, cheeks, shoulders, and collar bones before finally fusing together in one last, long kiss.

Keyleth’s eyelids were growing heavy when they separated, but she kept them open long enough to look into his eyes as he whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered back, as they both closed their eyes and finally fell asleep.


End file.
